Setting Boundaries To Improve Your Relationships
"It is okay to lovingly put your foot down"
Setting any type of boundary used to be really hard for me. I was the Queen of 'not wanting to let anyone down' and of course this attitude lead me to constantly let people down. While trusting my choices to say no sometimes is still hard for me, I have noticed my health and my relationships have since flourished. With a bit of hindsight, I have realised that the key to improving any relationship is by setting very clear boundaries.
FIGURE OUT YOUR LIMIT
In the past, I would sign myself up for things that I just wasn't capable of. I remember working a full-time job in real estate where I would also stay back and do the office cleaning to make extra money. AND I worked a Saturday job at another real estate office. Boy did I burn out in a spectacular fashion. After being diagnosed with a delayed phase sleep disorder (basically, I'm not a morning person). I realised that my best comes from me in the late morning and afternoon and that is okay! Since then I have only taken on jobs where I can work in the afternoons, I do not offer to help a friend move houses at 8 am and I stopped offering to drive people to the airport at the crack of dawn. The result. I am not late all the time, I feel better and more productive with more sleep and I show up when I say I am going to. Figure out what you are capable of and work your life around it with no guilt. Your health and relationships will thank you for it.
COMPROMISE
While it is important to figure out what you are capable of doing, it is also okay to say no to things you don't like doing. I had an old friend who would invite me over and then get me to go grocery shopping with her or help her do housework. I would begrudgingly participate, all the while wishing that we were doing something else. The current me would say something like "I have worked hard all week and that last thing I want to do it help you with chores. But I love spending time with you so let's get a cup of coffee instead." It is completely okay to meet your loved ones in the middle and say no to things you really do not enjoy. Here are some things I don't enjoy and no longer feel guilty about saying no to. Window shopping with a friend (Ikea is especially ruled out), being a part of a wedding party, camping, girls weekends away with someone else's friends and breakfast dates. I will, however, go above and beyond for my relationships in other ways that still resonate with my loved ones. Find a compromise in your relationships and find something that you can both find special.
IT'S OKAY TO SAY NO TO EVERYTHING
I have had weekends where I have had 6 different social invites and I have stressed myself out trying to figure out which ones to attend. I have since realised that sometimes it is easier to say no to all of them and do something I really want to do which is usually to relax. I am not talking about staying home every weekend and saying no for the rest of your life, but it is perfectly okay to simply stay home and rest when you need to. Excuses do not need to be made and it doesn't mean that you don't love someone. A great way to say no is "I am going to stay home and rest this weekend, but I would love to see you, can we book in another time to catch up?". I am not guaranteeing that the other person won't be disappointed, however, they would probably be more disappointed at you cancelling at the last minute or showing up exhausted and grumpy.
REMOVE LABELS
I find that we often put labels on our loved ones. As a mother, you have to act in a certain way or as a best friend you are obliged to do certain things. At the end of the day, they are just labels we have put on ourselves and we are all just humans doing the best we can. If you remove labels, then you are not expecting certain people to show up to birthdays, or see you a certain amount of times in a month or call you when you are sick. If they do GREAT if not that's okay too.
DON'T LET ANYONE PUT THEIR 'SHOULDS' ON YOU
We all have different ideas on what we should do to show our love. Some peoples idea of that is attending every single birthday party and holiday event. Others show their love with gifts, maybe with phone calls during the week or by chatting on social media. Personally, the only way I feel connected with my loved ones by spending one-on-one time with them. Catching up in group scenarios can be great fun but without that one-on-one time, I feel a bit disconnected. I never let anyone tell me I should do certain things to show my love or appreciation for someone because I know exactly how to do it, and for me, that is usually by popping in to see someone. On the other hand, I also do not tell someone how they should show their love and affection. We all resonate with different things so never let anyone put their shoulds on you.
At first, setting boundaries is uncomfortable but after a while, you and your loved one will get the hang of it. You will have the time, energy and joy to be the best version of you, meaning that you get to offer more to your loved ones in the long run. I love the people in my life fiercely and setting boundaries isn't about slapping everyone's wrists and saying no no no. It is about respecting yourself and stepping up in your relationships in your own special way.
