Stepping into 2022 as a Size 18
I didn’t realise how fat-phobic I was until I gained weight...
5-years ago I had a case of reactive arthritis that completely changed my body forever (you can read about that experience HERE). Since then, exercise has been extremely hard and I have slowly but surely gained 32.8kg to be exact. An amount I did not even think was possible for my body to gain.
But when I look back over those 5-years they were pretty stressful. 2 of them I spent in some form of lockdown. And the other three I spent finishing my degree, starting my own business, then launching an engineering business with my partner. But these events mixed with the usual events that life throws at you such as the death of loved ones were made even more difficult as I was watching myself slowly gain weight.
Every time I stepped on the scale and saw the numbers I felt completely out of control and completely helpless so I searched for outside help. In those years I saw several doctors, had several blood tests and scans and saw a Naturopath, Chinese Medicine Practitioner, Hypnotherapist, Psychologist, Myotherapist, Osteopath, Chiropractor, Kinesiologist, Rheumatologist, Endocrinologist, Dietician, Health coach, Masseuse, Physiotherapist, Ayurvedic Practitioner, and personal trainer. I tried ready meal deliveries, cleanses, intermittent fasting, keto, paleo, becoming vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, and calorie counting.
And after all that time, money, and energy, I am continuing to put on weight and quite frankly I am exhausted. I am not saying that I am going to give up working on my health but after so long I just feel like this is what I weigh now and this is how I look. And getting to this place wasn’t easy because of all of the bullshit conditioning that came up when I started to gain weight.
I’m a failure
When I look at other plus-sized people I don’t even think twice. I don’t think you have to be skinny to be a wonderful person and to live a whole and happy life. But when it came to ME putting on weight, it was a whole other story.
I have a mirror on my wardrobe that faces my bed and every morning I roll over and the first thing I see is my giant belly. And then of course I would immediately groan and feel like shit about myself. What a way to start the day! I also noticed I started making a lot of fat jokes about myself, perhaps to get in first because I was so sure that other people would comment on my weight (like that one time I ran into someone I used to work with and the first thing she said was “wow, you’ve put on so much weight”.)
I noticed that I started to hide and turned down a lot of social invitations because I was so scared that when someone finally saw me in real life, they would be horrified by how fat I was. I also started hiding my body and will often be wearing an oversized guy’s tee or a big jumper with leggings. Although part of this is because it is so goddam hard to find good clothing in my size GARG!!
I would see videos of Joe Rogan talking about how lazy and disgusting fat people were and I would sit in my room in cry. I was trying everything I could think of but I knew all too well that I lived in a society where fat people are considered second class citizens. Even some doctors I saw started treating me differently and would say that my health issues were because of my weight (even though they started before I gained it).
But the truth is, even when I did weigh less, I still thought I was fat and that is a massive problem. I look back at photos and remember feeling uncomfortable when having the picture taken and thinking I was huge. And that my friends, is disordered thinking.
The other hard stuff
Aside from struggling to find clothes that fit and dealing with the fear of running into someone and having them comment on my body, there are some other hard parts I have noticed with weight gain too.
I have insane acid reflux now. I get boils in-between my legs and I have discoloured skin from where my rolls are. I have arthritis and I am constantly in pain (especially the bottom of my feet) and I am sure that the extra weight that my body is carrying is not helping. I have also noticed that on some occasions I will snore!!
Exercise is extremely painful and hard but so are day to day tasks like cutting my toenails or doing the housework and grocery shopping. Driving long distances is a real struggle and to be completely honest, I just feel extremely uncomfortable in my own body at the moment which isn’t a great way to be.
Why I think I gained so much weight
After years of different theories from different practitioners, I have come to my own conclusion why I have put on so much weight.
My body is out of balance. I think since the health event my body completely changed and is still out of balance since then. I think my body is acidic, I have low iron and vitamin D, my liver is struggling, and I’m inflamed.
Chronic stress and PTSD. I think the mind body connection is way stronger than we think and I think when you are in a state of fight or flight for so long, your body suffers.
Not being able to exercise as much as I used to or the same way that I used to.
Lack of connection. One of the worst things about lockdown was not seeing people. I couldn’t even attend my usual appointments as most professionals were not allowed to work for the majority of lockdowns.
I am sitting too much. I sit at the computer all day which is great for business but not so great for my bod.
How I am moving forward
Creating a circle of practitioners around me again. As I mentioned above, I was not able to see my regular practitioners over the last 2-years and now many of them have fled Melbourne so I am starting all over again. I have just found a new GP and Podiatrist that I feel are helpful and that who respect me. I need to find a new Osteopath, a new Chinese medicine practitioner for herbs and acupuncture, and likely a Physio who specialises in helping people feel comfortable when operating a vehicle. I also need to find some kind of professional who can help me with some PTSD so I am not getting stuck in a negative thought loop so often.
I am reframing the way I think about being fat. The word fat is subjective anyway. One person may think a size 10 is fat and then another person may think a size 14 is fat. Even though I see messages every day that fat people are disgusting, I choose to believe that it is okay for me to be this size. I still deserve to be treated with respect and I still deserve to take up space in this world.
I am not hiding anymore. I am saying yes to more catch-ups with friends new and old and I don’t give a fuck if they are shocked by how I look in person. I am also in the process of finding a bathing suit.
I am taking my self-care routine so SO seriously. To reduce stress (and likely stress eating), I have to take care of myself. That means I cannot reply to every single text message, email, or DM. This is pretty hard for me to do but now I ask myself “will someone die if I don’t reply” and the answer is always no. I am focused on drinking more water, eating more fresh foods, taking long baths, breathing exercises, gently moving my body every day, spending less time on social media, turning off my phone more, and staying the hell away from the news.
I am taking more breaks from the computer throughout the day
I am speaking more nicely about myself. If I cannot love and accept myself now I doubt I will even if I did lose weight. So I am doing a lot of EFT and using affirmations each day.
So, there’s my little story about my journey with weight gain. If you have gone through anything similar, I would love to hear about it in the comments below.
