No Theory: The Power Of Saying No
Do you remember the movie Yes Man? This 2008 flick starring Jim Carrey shows a man who is stuck in a rut and who radically changes his life just by saying yes to everything. Similarly, a YouTube channel I love is called Yes Theory, a channel about the power of saying yes and the amazing things that can happen when you do.
But what I have found in my own life is that when I say yes to everything, I end up feeling empty. I end up feeling like I have given everything I have to everyone else around me and I don’t have any energy left for the things that I DO want to say yes to. And while saying no to some things might seem simple enough, this is not something I was comfortable with at all.
I think women are raised to believe that if we say no we are being difficult. So, in many areas of my personal life and work-life I said yes even when I didn’t want to. And after one December when I was trying to fit in 8-different Christmas events (yup 8) I wound up in hospital with a case of reactive arthritis.
And while I didn’t reach this conclusion right away after getting sick, I did eventually realise that I was making myself ill trying to please everyone else. And so, I started putting in some boundaries. For instance, I don’t travel long distances around Christmas time and I don’t do more than 3 Christmas events in December.
And anyone reading this may think “that seems fair enough” but the inner turmoil I experienced when I started saying no, was intense, to say the least. When I realised, I needed to say no to something, to take something off my plate, or to implement a new boundary, I would feel sick to my stomach. And afterwards, I would feel so guilty that I was paralysed.
I would tell myself that Glen would think I wasn’t supporting him if I couldn’t go to 3 birthday parties in one weekend. I would tell myself that my sister would hate me if I said she couldn’t come over for a sleepover. And I would tell myself that I would get fired or I was letting down the team if I said I wasn’t available for every shift.
And this kind of thinking has led me to many regrets (or learning experiences) in my life. Like when I didn’t go to a loved one’s funeral because I had just started a new job and I was too afraid to get my shift covered. Or another instance where I said I could be a friend’s bridesmaid when deep down I knew I didn’t have the free time, money, or mental/physical energy to do it while I was studying and working and this caused far more stress for her than if I had just said no in the first place.
In my experience, the more you say yes to things, the more of a flake you become and the more relationship issues this can lead to down the track. And this was a hard concept to grasp for me but the reality is that YOU CAN NOT DO EVERYTHING OTHERS WANT YOU TO DO. You cannot attend every birthday, you cannot accept every job, and you cannot be in two places at once. More to the point, you cannot do everything full stop.
And this was hard for me for a few reasons. One of which was that when I am asked to do something, it will often sound really fun and I DO want to do it. However, I may have other plans, I may have had a busy work week, or I may not have room in my budget. And so, if I did say yes to that thing, I would have a good time but I would be betraying myself in another area of my life.
For example, if G and I didn’t leave room in our weekends for housework, grocery shopping, and meal prep, this would make our next work week stressful. If I was showing signs that my immune system was crashing and I pushed myself to go to a family event, I would likely enjoy myself but then may spend the next few days in bed or would have to go back on medication.
And yes, there can be negative consequences to saying no such as a co-worker who starts dropping bitchy comments because you aren’t available all the time. Or someone decides to give you the silent treatment. Or the friend who relentlessly keeps pushing you because they don’t want to take no for an answer.
But how people react to your boundaries isn’t really any of your business. My Psychologist has even said that setting boundaries actually teaches people how to treat you. And if they aren't able to respect your boundaries, then they simply miss out.
Saying no allows you to create white space in your life for the things that you really want to say yes to. I heard a saying once that goes “if it’s not a hell yeah, then it’s a no.” And I have adored living by this as if I find myself umming and ahhing over something or telling myself I SHOULD do it, I automatically change it to a no.
And this has allowed me to create free space to run two successful businesses. To set challenges to push myself like with my journey to explore every suburb in Melbourne. And best of all, I get to be a good example to others in my life.
On one occasion G’s brother bought a friend to sleepover at our house and his friend asked if he could smoke a bong in my shed. My answer was a firm but polite “absolutely not”. Not that I have anything against weed necessarily but another boundary I have is keeping my home a drug free space. At the time, G’s brother gave me the dirtiest look but I have since heard him recount the story to others and talk about how funny it was when I stood my ground. And who knows, maybe after that experience he may feel more comfortable with saying no himself.
So, I hope we can teach the next generation that it is okay to say no. That it is okay to simply rest sometimes and it doesn’t make you lazy. That boundaries are king and it is okay to choose what to prioritise.
What has your experience been with saying no? I would love to hear in the comments below.
